Trust

Trust:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence

2. confident expectation of something; hope

I've been thinking a lot recently about my ability (or arguably my desire) to trust people, and I stumbled across the definition above. Which got me thinking: I have extreme hope in people... and in some ways hurt myself by being overly optimistic in mankind's desire to "do good" or "positively change." And because of this fact, I've always considered myself a "trusting" person (def. 2); but, is that really the case. As I delve deeper into this thought process, I realize there are actually very few people I trust outright. Relying in a humans ability to change is one thing, but I relying in someone's integrity and strength (def. 1) is virtually impossible for me.

Partly this is because I have operate from a fundamental belief humans are flawed and prone to error. So relying in an innately flawed being's surety seems counter-intuitive... more basically it just seems plain stupid. However, probably more seriously than the first "excuse" I have not to trust I believe trust is hard to grant to others because you open yourself up to hurt.

Example: cute girl meets attractive man in a coffee shop, he asks her for her number, she has two choices... 1. Trust that he will call her because he asked for her number in the first place or 2. Not trust that he will call. In the first scenario the cute girl has opened herself up to an array of emotions: excitement if he calls, disappointment if he doesn't etc.... In the second scenario zero emotions have been solicited, good or bad...

I think I'm very hasty to act out the second scenario in my life..... So, how do people gain trust in my life, or can they... giving this more thought stay tuned...

how do people gain trust in your life?

Cutting the Crazy

For some time now (maybe a good year), my motto has been, "It's time to cut the crazy." Everyone has those people in their lives they could most likely just do without...right? People that bring out the worst in you, or people who encourage you to do things that are less than recommended for your well-being. However, cutting the crazy is proving to be quite difficult for me to accomplish.

For those of you who know me, I'm certain you're thinking, "well Cass, maybe that's a direct reflection of your craziness..." and for the most part you are probably right, but what's the fun with "normal" people who always encourage you to do the "right" thing? It's BORING! I think somewhere in my head, it's a fun challenge to surround myself with the wrong people, just to see how disciplined I can truly be. Also, "normal" people are super easy to figure out. I'm totally intrigued by what makes people who they are!

All of this to lead me to the question, "Do I really need to 'Cut the Crazy'?" What do I gain if I do, what do I loose if I don't? Thoughts?

Why Compete?

Recently I've found myself wondering "why am i doing this?" I mean, more broadly why do people feel the need to compete? And closely related to that question is another one i find myself pondering frequently, "when will enough, be enough?"

The desire to compete, is an intriguing genetic hard wiring i think everyone has. My guess is competition started back in the day when people were forced to ban together to "compete" for their lives: hunting together, living together...surviving together. But when then did the need to compete "against" each other arise? I'm not just talking about physical competitions, I mean mentally, at your place of work, in your homes against your brother's and sisters... what good really comes of it all. Someone can leave their office, or their home and say, "I told you so, I can do it better?"

Does the need to compete come from an underlying insecurity that you're never going to be good enough? Is it ingrained in us from a small age on the playground...when you dad looks at you and says, "you're not going to let so-and-so beat you on to the swings are you?" Or is competing just a good way to gain attention... you win and you get positive attention you loose and you get negative attention?

I have no real answers to these questions. I do; however, know that I love to compete. Somewhere along the way my competitive nature morphed a little, from the desire to compete against others (i.e. basketball or having the highest grade in the class), to competing against myself. I've become totally addicted to pushing myself past perceived limits. Seeking out the next "ridiculous" thing and pursuing it. For me, the moment I see something, or hear about something and think, "Wow, I could never do that...." I'm doomed. I've already sub-consciously signed myself up for it. This isn't just with running, or figure competitions, this for me is more... it's at work, it's in my personal relationships....but WHY???? Maybe I just hate and/or fear loosing... will enough ever be enough? And therein lies the conundrum....

I'd love to know what someone else thinks about this!

The Best Advice...

"This is your show, your diet, your training, and your competition.... right now and for the next 4-8 months it's all about you," said elite body builder Shaun Tate.

What an interesting concept, especially for those of us raised in a small farming town in Indiana, predominately populated by Christians. My whole life I've been dedicated to helping others, serving others, being there for others. Not to say I've always succeeded, I'm certain there have been many selfish moments, but overall, I'm pretty good at catering to others needs. Also, piled in there somewhere is the fact I really love to keep the 'peace' and unless something is really wrong will generally opt to keep the order over voicing my desires and/or opinions.

Now, almost overnight, I find myself in a place where I have to think about myself first. Clearly I'm not saying I am going to start being mean or rude to those around me, but eating my meals on time now supersedes a fun conversation I might be in and getting 8 hours of sleep is now more important to me than bailing out that person who may want me to sober drive.

My routine has changed, my mindset has changed and embarking on a much healthier lifestyle. So, look out world, "It's all about me now." (okay maybe I feel badly saying that still, but shhhhh don't tell anyone, I'll get there)

Whip It

5:30 a - Alarm goes off, sleepily fall into my workout clothes, grab my bag (thank goodness I packed it the night before) and make my way out to my car.

6:00a- Courtney and I tackle 1hr of cardio

7:00a- I Hurry to shower and get ready for work

8:00a - First meal of the day oatmeal and egg whites (not together whew...)

9:30a- Protein Shake

11:30a- Chicken and brown rice

1:30p- Protein Shake

3:30p- Tuna

5:30p- Back to the gym for some more cardio and lifting

8:00p - Fish and broccoli

9:30p- Bed

And thus begins my routine for the next 4-8 months. Dear Lord please help the people who have to deal with me while I'm awake!

Hiding Out

I've now officially decided to embark on training for a Figure Competition, but shhhhhh don't tell anyone. It's interesting to me, I've never before worried about telling someone I was in training. When I signed up for my first half-marathon and began training, I told people right away. A few years leater decided to run a ridiculous 23 mile race up and over the Colorado National Monument and again had no problem sharing that with people.

Hiding Out

That said, I find myself refusing to tell people I'm training for a Figure Competition, and I'm not really sure why. Is it a sign of an underlying doubt I have? Is it because I worry people will look at my body now and just laugh at me? Is it because if I can't handle the pressure of the workouts and diets, I can't just back out without people knowing I failed? The truth is, I'm sure it's all of those reasons! I find myself like the turtle afraid to come out of my shell.

As I've thought through these fears and had some time to rationalize, I believe they are founded in years of worrying about what other people think about me, a virtually impossible characteristic to not take on at some point in life. But how long has this 'fear' or 'worry' held me in my shell? If for nothing less, participating in this show will be for me to prove to myself that I can do it. That truly limitations placed on me by others don't dictate my successes.

I'm beginning to realize the hardest part of this training, might be more mental than anything physical!

Inspiring a Dream

My whole life I've thought I was fairly athletic. I played sports in high school and can pretty much do anything I try. I've trained for an run over 6 half-marathons and one 23 mile race over a mountain. There have even been times, where I would have considered my self pretty "hard core." Well, at least that's what I thought....

April 3, 2010- The Northern Colorado competition doors opened at 8:30a. I walked in nervous and practically sick for my sister who was competing in the Fitness portion of the show. Just 14 short hours before which she had been laying in a hotel room bed, trying to warm up, which is difficult to do with under 10% body fat.

Courtney started her training back in November and for 6 long months had dedicated herself to 2 hours of cardio each day, heavy lifting, and an extremely strict diet. On several occasions I had joked with friends that I'd lost my sister to the gym. I observed the highs and lows of her training; how her social life was all but lost, how exhausted she was all the time, and the toll that working 12 hours a day and dedicating time to training took on her.

So, as I entered the Boulder Theatre, that bright Saturday morning, I was nervous. Nervous, and pretty sure any and everyone competing in the show was crazy. Maybe they had fallen prey to a desire to look the way society says, "beautiful people" look. Maybe they didn't have anything else worthwhile to fill their time with, maybe they lacked friends. My list of 'maybe's' went on for miles, and ended with the inevitable punch line that something was fundamentally wrong with the competitors.

9:00a rolled around, Courtney was the first person on the stage during pre-judging to do her fitness routine. She had selected a compilation of "Fighter" songs, you know, Rocky...etc. I watched her intently through the 1:45 sec. routine, and was amazed. Who knew muscles that strong and cut could actually be athletic, flexible, and feminine?

The fitness competitors all finished their routines and then several other classes of competitors came out, first the bikini pre-judging, then the figure classes. When the Figure Masters (anyone 45 yrs. old or over) walked out onto stage, my mindset was beginning to change. Seeing women in their 50's with body's that rock hard and so well taken care of, it was inspiring. I found myself thinking, "I hope that's what I look like when I'm their age!"

Eventually the pre-judging started for the fitness competitors posing round. As Courntey walked out onto stage in a bikini, I realized how difficult this competition really was. I mean for the short 25 years of my life to date, I have absolutely avoided any and all pictures in a bikini, let alone being in 5 inch heals walking in front of a crowd.

Flawlessly Courtney endured 1/4 turn after 1/4 turn for the judges to scrutinize her body. A body that she had transformed over the course of 6 months, a body that had lost 30 pounds, a body that was now under 10% body fat.

Courtney took third in the competition, and as she was awarded for her accomplishment I realized how wrong I had been about everything. I had been "bitten" by the bug to compete. My dream to dedicate myself to extreme training, for extreme success was born.